Just the night before I was in a social setting where the conversation drifted to a discussion about loneliness. The topic seems to come with an understood way of expression…it is talked about in soft tones….downcast eyes…almost in an embarrassed manner. Some mentioned how hard it was to attend church alone. Other’s shared the way it slaps you in the face when you come home late at night and no one is there to care if you made it home safe or not. I find the lack of anyone to share the mundane of life with most sad….that and never getting to sit in the passenger seat on trips. I also hate the silence of my walls.

I have a distinct memory of holding Matthew as an infant; with a year old Christopher and a two year old Daniel playing at my feet as a woman described her battle with loneliness. I was 23, married to an evangelist, traveling from state to state, church to church, motel to motel, restaurant to restaurant, with three boys under the age of three. I remember my sarcasm as I listened to her. What I wouldn’t give for some loneliness right now, I thought.

Oh…the arrogance of my past, youthful, busy, full, life. Little did I know I would enter the wilderness of loneliness in my fifty’s.

Wildernesses are hot, dry, and scary. Wildernesses are daunting for their uncertainty, their vastness, and the total exposure you feel. You don’t know where the boundaries of your wilderness are, so you don’t know when it will end. You can’t hide in a wilderness and diversions don’t work.

There is stillness in the wilderness that only gets interrupted by howling, that scares your soul.

Wildernesses are “wandered” through. You feel as though you will waste away.

The wilderness will test you.

Isn’t it interesting that immediately following his baptism, Jesus doesn’t head to Jerusalem to launch his ministry…He heads for the wilderness. It is also interesting that Satan sensed an opportunity. But Jesus was tempted without sin, and therefore we have a high priest who is touched with our infirmities, because He was in every way tempted as we are….yet without sin. With every temptation we face, He has offered a way of escape.

Even after years of dealing with my own wilderness of loneliness, I still find it scorching and relentless at times. But I have learned some survival skills:

-I rehearse past times of comfort and supply from Him when I feel vulnerable.
-I run to His Word literally. I keep a Bible in my purse, my car, my office and my bedroom. It is there for me when my knees feel weak and my heart pounds.
-I stay connected even when I feel it will take energy I need to conserve. I take the time away from tasks if I have to cut something out. I protect my relationships. It
is the human voice of encouragement that Jesus so often uses.
-I pour into others when I feel desperate for care. Somehow, in God’s currency, pouring into the lives of others fills my own.
-Instead of having the TV on for background noise at home, I listen to words of life from Bible teachers on DVD’s or CD’s. It makes the quiet of my world purposeful.
-I have learned to be proactive. When I can sense an overload of emotions and defeat creeping into my heart…I ask to watch the grandchildren! Three little boys God
has placed in my Lancaster life never fail to make me smile laugh and count my blessings.
-I look at beautiful things. Beauty is healing. My close friend Faith taught me this concept and it is so true. When my heart was most raw, I would sit in her garden and
stare at flowers or birds and sip tea. During cold times she would invite me to her home and she would build a fire. Just focusing on flames and crackling wood was
somehow soothing. From my office window I can watch the leaves turn, the rain drop or the sun shine! God has created many beautiful things for us to enjoy.
-I never make the management of my loneliness someone else’s responsibility. I make it God’s and mine. The Bible is clear that He has given us EVERYTHING we need
for living a Godly life. He collects our tears in a bottle. That demonstrates amazing attention to our sadness…and I also know He doesn’t mind if it is midnight when I
need to talk.

It is through the intensity of my wilderness experience that I have learned to hear His voice more clearly, feel His love most tenderly and depend on His guidance most graciously.

Psalm 43
Send out your light and your truth;

let them guide me.

Let them lead me to your holy mountain,

to the place where you live.

There I will go to the altar of God,

to God—the source of all my joy.

I will praise you

O God, my God!

Why am I discouraged?

Why is my heart so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise him again—

my Savior and my God!

His mercy makes us strong!
Phyllis